Lonely

The past 10 days I was alone. My wife and my kids took a trip to Scotland to visit their mother/granny respectively. Now at first sight this sounds great: – sleep – do what you like to do – going out with friends – staying out late – getting drunk.

However, the first weekend was ok. I had been busy making a list of things I needed to do. There is loads to sort out on the house and my wife left me a small list of things to do. Two of my mates and I headed down to Brighton to enjoy ourselves all afternoon, drinking and smoking cigars in the sun. Fantastic. As you imagine on Sunday I felt a bit tired. Not too bad given the state I was in, however still very tired. I still managed to get a lot of things done that day though, preparing a few things I needed to do, did the laundry etc.

Now the next week passed quickly with me going to Germany, Bournemouth and having a lot on at work. But something was missing. I was alone. I didn’t come home to loads of toys on the carpet, a busy house or got woken up in the middle of the night. I did wake up. The bed was empty. The house is empty, and no one cares what happens to your life really, and what you do. This of course is not quite true as thanks to Facetime I saw and spoke to the kids and wife up North.

When I was at university, just before I met my wife, I thought that I could be a bachelor at 35. I thought I would enjoy that. I imagined I had a small flat in central London and met with friends for lunch, breakfast and beers every weekend. And sometimes you wonder what you would do if something happens to your loved ones, or if you were to separate. Not that this is something I think of a lot or would be on the cards but it has of course crossed my mind.

Now I wouldn’t enjoy it. I didn’t even enjoy these ten days. Yes it was great to have lie ins, to spend all day watching movies, to work on some personal projects, but I can do that anyway. What really drives me on and gives my life a purpose are my wife and children. It is about family, passing on values, and having responsibility that makes me a happier person. That is what I enjoy and seek in life. Not a boring bachelor flat. Not something where you define yourself around status, money and friends.

I seek the fulfilment of being there for a person, sharing my life (ups and downs) with my wife. I get great fulfilment of explaining things to my oldest and cuddling with my youngest. I enjoy being a dad, and dreadfully missed my family the past few days. I am happy. I was lonely without my people.

I love you.

Volker