Sunday Column (240)

Dear Colin,

I am sorry I sneaked out of the house at 7.10 to catch my overcrowded train to work. I didn’t want to wake you up as you need your sleep, your energy to go to school. When I woke up, trying yet another “sunlight alarm” app, it was too early for you. I was afraid of waking you and you coming downstairs to watch me exercise. Your brain must process so much at the minute, constant learning, constantly something new. You say you enjoy school, yet I sometimes wish to be able to explain meditation to you, calming your mind. I still explain it to myself daily. There is so much more I want to teach you too. But one thing at a time.

Dear Rohan,

I heard you coughing throughout the night. I felt for you, I was awake myself a bit with this awful cough. It still tickles me whilst I for once got a seat on the train, being able to write the weekly Sunday column. I know you wanted to come down to see Daddy when you woke up. It was too late as Daddy needed to shower and get ready for work. Mummy changed your leaking nappy, you kicked a fuss because you didn’t get your PJ trousers back on. One day you also will laugh at your way of being so particular. It doesn’t help me telling you that in the greater scale of things, PJ trousers just don’t matter.

Just one of many mornings start like that. The desire to spend 10 or 30 minutes with you guys, realising that sometimes I just cannot. This is me running late or you getting up late. Either way. Things are as they are. The picture below nicely points out: the now isn’t a constant, the best things are yet to come. The future is still ahead of you. Even I, who I am now 36, will not be where I am now. My life is still evolving, whilst I hope and anticipate to still be in my current job in 4 years time, I am already thinking what my next steps could be. What do 40 year olds do? Of course I am not seriously thinking about it, yet the thought of being that age scares me at times. I will be doing another job, and 40 isn’t that old. A new beginning, a new dawn, life goes on, or at least we hope so, for another few years at least. Then again, who knows. Things might just turn out to be a lot different than anticipated.

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Writing this, I get reminded of conversations I had this week. About a man who had twins and hardly slept the past four months. About a man having to cope with family illnesses. We all have to cope with something. I cope or do not cope with lack of sleep and exercise this week. I am shattered. I managed one good run and then had two rough nights, leaving me tired out, shattered. Of course I am coping, just. I would like to get this feeling back of being rested. Being fully charged. Will I ever? At least I found a great new app, “moves”, which is a pedometer and a journal of your day’s movements. I am hooked on it. Another run. Too much junk food to cope, to comfort. I am NOT getting back into an old bad lifestyle routine, yet it is easy to do 🙁

Anyway, with my parents having been over and us going for walks with the boys, it is fantastic to think what we have achieved so far. In life, in general. We live in a big enough house with walking distance to the great outdoors, a short drive to the sea, as rural and quiet as you can only wish for. I stopped for a minute the other day and took it all in. A life and situation I am truly grateful for. Life and the opportunities, the small wonders, are fascinating. Being able to realise the small things, being happy on our own accounts with what we have, is great. I do not demand a lot from life, do I? It must be the Buddhist roots but it seems, whilst if did develop an aptitude for trainers recently, that I only buy what I need or really want these days. And it doesn’t seem that much, possession wise, that I am attracted to. Then again it depends who you compare yourself to I suppose.

How will life change from the present moment? We never know until it does. However, if I envisage my life a year from now, I somewhat get the feeling it will be better. More in the flow of things at work, whilst more stressful, yet busier at home. Let me be surprised. It’s good we cannot plan too much in advance.

The weather turned a lot colder this week. It feels like we are moving towards winter. I did my job talk at Rotary this week. I am finalising a few projects. Whilst on the outside it looks like I am getting ready for a winter’s rest, I am on fire on the inside. Watch this space.

Bring it on!

Have a good one,
Volker