Just a few thoughts of being a dad…..

I has been almost 20 months now that my son Colin was born. And I remember what stage in life I was in. I just got made redundant from a company where I put so much hard work and effort in, hoping we could turn it around. I was sitting in “a car I knew that would crash” and before the company reached the wall, I was pulled out of it.

Partly glad to have left, I was more anxious than ever to not find a new job. We were in the middle of the recession then. I now had to support a family. I didn’t want my wife to worry. I spend days and nights preparing interviews whilst Jenny, my wife, was preparing for the birth. It was easier then than it is now. We were just the two of us. My wife had a job, was on maternity leave, so money was coming in. At least for a while. But all those worries.

So when Colin came, I was happy. I loved this bundle of joy but didn’t really know what to do with him. I was a first time dad. That was new. That was for my wife, wasn’t it. And, I had an interview to go to tomorrow. So luckily I found a new job quickly, just a few days after Colin was born, and then off I went to work again.

It took me 6 months until I realised two things. The job wasn’t made for me (or vice versa), and I just missed out on the most beautiful time of my life. My first son, and his first few months on this planet.

Now, looking back, you will always find excuses. Many excuses why life determines what you do. And more often than less it is the job or some kind of commitment you made. And it is all about the balance but also about the compassionate love for your children.

It is the mother that loves a child unconditionally, like we all should love each other. It is the mother that has this great relationship with their kids. But, it is up to us blokes to make the most of it, and show our unconditional love too. I guess it just took me some time longer. Maybe I wasn’t ready. Also, as a man, and maybe that is another excuse, you look after the pennies, you are the bread winner, so that comes first, doesn’t it?

Maybe. For me clearly. I am very passionate about my work, enjoy working, and of course having a career. But, I more and more understand dads that take some time off. Or start working from home, making their home life a priority over work. I just couldn’t imagine that for me. I guess it is good that we are all different.

Now, I don’t have regrets. And, I don’t have plans to change anything in the near future. I see Colin as often as possible in the morning. Usually about an hour or just more. We play, we have nutella bread and a good laugh. Then I see him at the weekends, hardly at night. But that works for me. That works for many busy dads. As a former boss said “make sure you see your kids in the morning, you never know how long your working day will be”.

The next two weeks will be different than the first few days with Colin. I have a job, and a job to go back to. I have more responsibility which means I have to work a bit, but as little as possible, during my time off. I have staff to look after, I have things to take care off. But I can also turn the phone off, be at home, and just spend the whole day bonding with my new baby. Just cuddling up.

I am in control of what I can do. This time I am ready. I know what to expect. I have changed numerous nappies, bathed Colin a few times, have prepared bottles and know how to dress a baby. And I am loving it.

I am truly in love with Colin and will be with my next child. I pray that my wife and boy will be safe and that we can return from hospital soon after the birth. I just want to spend time with the family, protect them, cuddle them, and be there for them. Just 2 weeks of my life. Just a few days. No worries, no regrets. Just unconditional, compassionate love. I want to show love that is normally reserved to a mother for her children.

And from this intimate family time, I want to raise and carry that love with me. In my heart. As I will return to a new routine, a better routine, which leads us back to our normal life again….

I cannot wait for number 2 to appear.

Volker

PS: I write this post on Sunday, 6th of February, and it will be published tomorrow 12 pm. Maybe it has all happened already?